I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
