I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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