I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
