we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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