That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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