I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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