wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
