U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
