I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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