I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
