That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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