im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
