Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
