happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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