I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
