I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
