how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
how do you play pong handcuffed?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
