When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
