I accidentally had phone sex last night
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize