its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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