I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
