You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
