she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
