I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
