I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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