He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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