Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
