What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
