I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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