boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
