I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
