he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
