glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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