While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
