You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
