Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My balls are so social today.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize