I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
