hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
