I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
you had me at cake vodka
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
