it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
