The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
