im six kinds of drunk right now
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
