Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Randomize
