he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
i think i just lost a toe
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