my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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