I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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