sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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