OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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