i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
