No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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