totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Less talking, more tequila
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
