i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
