Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
