Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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