Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
