elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
