if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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