Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
