I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
