My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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