I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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