i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
