If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize