I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
God I need to hump something, right now.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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