sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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