can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
