I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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